It's only a couple of hours ago I confessed to myself during a contemplative-toilet-moment, that writing is one of the most difficult things to do. But it was until a couple of minutes ago, that I realized that writing is one therapeutic activites.
Yes I confess, during this year my method of growin up by not disclosing a lot of things including feelings; excitements; and angers; is not an easy things to do. In one side, being a plain me, is fucking safe, but that's it, plain and unchallenging. I have also been thinking a lot about a lot of things, switching perspectives toward things to the extremely opposite perspective.
One of it, that I have been thinking a lot, is about marriage and having kids. And how I relate it with my life journey so far. And I relate it to my mom. Yes, my mom. Well, explaining my thoughts about this issue in a structured manner is not my main point in today's writing. What I want to express is, that I think I'm getting more into the feminism each day. However, I'm not that proud of it. For the first half of this year, the picture I could imagine about my future was strolling around the mall with greatest life partner (husband) to buy things for the unborn kid, having a nice n not so big house in Bintaro area. That picture changed drastically since the beginning of the second half of the year. I started to hardly question that perspective, especially relating with the self-fulfilling issue for us, the women. Putting it into my personal context, I started to realize that there's a lot of other things I want to do, I want to explore, I want to fulfill. Is marriage and have kids a goal ? does it guarantee happiness ? will we live a superficial life and full with denial that we didn't want to discuss because we already have 'that family' ? is there any regrets about unfulfilled dreams ? do we still celebrate the womanhood of us, or are we consumed by our role as mother and wife that we don't even realize that we lose... ourself ?
Those set of question, I kept replying those question inside my mind, and articulating it to some close friends (that I assume they understand me or at least they have the same view), and also my parents (followed by some preaches, not to mention). I'm getting more cynical each day, as what GaluhNisa said "people turn to be bitter when they are older." But, nope. I'm not getting bitter for everything, I still have positive views towards other things in life. Only for this issue that I let my witty-ness out.
One important thing in this writing is that here, I'm not stating anything that I'm against some ideas of this or that.Well, by all of those perspective I mentioned above, I really really have no intention to be a 'anak durhaka', 'orang yang kurang bersyukur' or even 'makhluk yang menjalani hidup tidak di jalan-Nya'. I have a couple of reason, logic, and backgounds that lead me to this view. However, I know that I'm on my 20s and growing up. I strongly believe that I could change my views towards this issue drastically, again. I know I'm not right, and I have to undergo some proscess to prove that all these views are wrong then I go 'bertobat'. I do also hope and pray to God that this writing wouldn't cause me any 'kualat'. The purpose of this writing is not to show any 'strong' and 'opinionated' side of me that I could be proud of. I'm writing this because I just want to let it out.
God, please lead me to Your way, shower me with your blessings, Aamin Ya Rabbal Aalamiin.
Speaking about people changing, how I, with all my current perspective, feel extremely offended by my own post that was naively written 4 years ago.